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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Unpleaseable Fan Series: Meet Jasmine Bryar




Meet Jasmine Bryar. Obsessed fan of the New York Islanders and a proud season ticket holder. She's 25, works as an ad executive for a Toronto firm, though she commutes every day from Brampton. Caucasian, blonde, drop-dead beauty...but knows more about hockey than you and your brother combined.

She wishes you would know that.

“Okay,” started Bryar, sitting at her desk and looking into her webcam, today rocking a ponytail and wearing her Islander camisole-style top, matching boy shorts and Islander-striped knee-length socks, complimented with an assortment of colourful bracelets, Islander-themed of course. She films a weekly series online titled “Unpleaseable Fans” to comment both on the Islanders and the feelings of a fan base that oftentimes is irrational. “I'm the Damsel on the Island. Let's get started.”

“First things first...the next person to say 'show me your boobs' gets permabanned from my site, 'K?” Bryar said, her snark piercing through her usually sweet, calming voice. She was referring to a time this summer when she commented on the Islanders' moves wearing nothing but her Islanders bikini. She did it to show off- she knew she had the body for it, and thought she could provide some fanservice with it- but she hoped the comments about her body would subside now that people had seen it, when she was wrong.

“Secondly, to that guy in Arabia,” her sugary delivery tinged with biting wit, “no, I will not become your tenth wife, just so you can beat me and make me wear a veil just so I look okay, so can it with the fake charm, okay?

“Oh...and lastly, no, I don't have 'shaved beaver disease'...seriously, who makes that stuff up?”

Bryar gave her head a shake, wondering to herself what kind of idiots she has to put up with.

“On to the topic at hand,” she said, changing her tone to one of seriousness. “We've got a game tonight, against the Sabres of all teams. I know, a bunch of you are wetting your pants right now, but why are you worried?” She shook her hands in frustration and continued. “We're the Islanders you idiots! We've won seven of our last ten games against these guys. Helllloo?” She took a breath, sighed and continued, gesturing wildly. “Yeah, we're up and down. I didn't think we'd be 10-7 at this time either, but at least we're not Nashville and wondering where their supposed talent went.” She then continued with a hint of incredulousness, leaning right into the camera, whispering slightly. “I heard the Predators hired an alien as their GM...seriously, do those guys know ANYTHING about what they're doing?”

She took her hair out of her ponytail and tussled it, shaking her head a little before it fell back into place. The energetic Bryar loved histrionics, and her videos often featured her prancing in her chair or even just around the room. She then shook her hands and clasped them together to get poignant.

“Having said that...that incident, the other day, with Ryan Getzlaf, Evgeni Malkin and Jacques Fichaud...I’m not sure what they were thinking, getting drunk and violating the bull over by Wall Street...and that...thing in Central Park, whatever it was...” Bryar shook her head and breathed loudly, still not over a widely-reported incident several days ago. “I might be able to get over that, because kids are kids...but taking out your Islander jersey and peeing on it? Then setting it alight?” She then clenched her right fist and banged into her open palm, madly. “I don’t care how drunk you are, you just do not do that. I’m glad they’re gone, even if they’re our best players.”

She paused, took a deep breath and relaxed into her chair. Bryar then clasped her hands together to emphasize her next point.

“I’m going to say something that a lot of you are going to disagree with...but Phil Kessel? I know, the guy’s got mad skills with the puck and can dangle his way out of a phone booth...I know, I’ve seen it. I still don’t want him to try it every single time. How many shots are we passing up because this guy, well, doesn’t pass? Andy McDonald should be the one carrying the puck in...he’s the one with the best vision, and Alexei Yashin is such a great decoy when he’s on the ice...Phil needs to trust that his guys are going to get him the puck.” Bryar skidded her open hand against her palm quickly, emphasizing another point. “McDonald’s got a laser...he gets it through ALL the time. In fact, I’d like to see the guy on the points on the power play a lot more...he can really move the puck and I really believe he’s our best playmaker.

“...and that new second line we have,” she clapped her hand slightly, “they seem to be on a completely different page. None of those seem to know how to work together. I’ll give them some time though- Tobia, Sillinger and Blake are all smart hockey players, so I think they can figure it out.” Bryar then gestured at the screen. “One hint, though, Jason...you’re a big player, get in front of the net more. You’re killing our point men.”

“That’s it for now. Have a good night.” Bryar then blew a kiss into the camera, waved goodbye with a cute smile and ended the video session.

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I don't know what to say here...I was never very good at these things...

What can I say? I'm not a complex guy but I enjoy a complex discussion. I can talk about just anything because  I'm a quick learner and just like learning, but I'm a sports (watcher) person at heart. I've got a History Degree (with Honours) from York and I have the Research Analyst certificate from Georgian. I'm also a writer- I've provided the links in my profile for you to see if you wish.

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